In her post to Reddit’s popular Am I the A******? (AITA) forum, user u/mdfi19 explained that she and her husband recently became empty nesters.
“My husband(44M) and I(43F) have 2 kids,” she wrote. “Both left for college and one is in law school now.”
The poster loves her newfound freedom and has been spending her time skiing and taking lots of vacations. However, her husband is becoming “bored and wants to foster a child.”
“I am absolutely against the idea,” she said. Nevertheless, her husband is “constantly badgering” her to change her mind. When she refused, he accused her of lacking compassion, causing mdfi19 to question herself.
Reddit users backed the poster, with her story receiving over 5,000 upvotes and more than 900 comments since being shared on January 2.
‘Likely to End in Heartbreak For All’
According to Statista, 391,098 U.S. children were fostered in 2021. Foster care with the right family can be life-changing for children in the system, but for others, it can be a traumatic experience—even if the foster carers themselves are well-meaning.
Ruth E. Freeman, founder and president at Peace at Home Parenting Solutions, said that a foster child can be a blessing, as long as both parents are onboard and realistic about expectations.
“Many [foster children] come with complex problems, which can manifest themselves in challenging behaviors and difficult relationships that can defeat even the most committed couples,” Freeman told Newsweek.
“In the interest of her own wellbeing and that of any child she might foster, [the poster] needs to hold firm on these boundaries.”
She said there are many other ways that mdfi19’s husband can contribute, such as providing respite care or mentoring a child through a “Big Brother” program.
“There are lots of ways for dad to be meaningfully engaged with vulnerable youth and make a profound difference in their lives without burdening mom with an unwanted situation that is likely to end in heartbreak for all,” Freeman said.
If you have a family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
‘Absolutely Do Not Do This’
Now that her children are out of the house, mdfi19 explained she had been looking forward to retiring early in a few years.
“We invested smartly and now our home is paid off and my kids are getting a full ride in school,” she wrote.
“We can retire without much worry although we will still work until the economy is better and our bodies allow us to.”
However, her husband is unhappy with the situation and misses having a child around. Unfortunately, watching her cousin go through a bad fostering experience has deterred mdfi19, along with concerns about losing her freedom.
“That child was a complete nightmare and almost made her and her husband divorce over it because it caused so many issues,” mdfi19 said.
“I know not all foster children are like that but my cousin is far more compassionate (she is a nurse) than me and she was crying to me and my sister everyday about it and I don’t want to do it.
“It’s hard to tell what a child has gone through and it’s usually nothing good if they need to be fostered. I don’t have the energy to deal with it anymore.”
Instead of fostering, mdfi19 suggested that her husband volunteers at a local school or children’s ward. As he is a doctor and works long hours, she feels any fostering responsibilities will fall solely on her, but her husband said she’s “not being compassionate” by refusing.
“We could change a child’s life for the better. But I know it will probably change my life for the worse,” she said.
“Still AITA for refusing to sign up?”
Fellow Redditors supported the poster, with calsey16 asking if her husband was “the fun dad” while their children were growing up.
“[Did he] basically get to be the Cool Guy while you did all the work actually raising the kids?” she said.
“Only a dad who only ever ‘babysat’ could act like having the responsibility to care for a child again 20 years later would be no big deal and a fun adventure.”
To which mdfi19 replied: “You hit the nail on the head there.”
“I suspect this would be a short experiment if the OP insisted that the husband be 99 percent responsible for the child—good and bad,” said sisu-sedulous.
“If he’s wanting to actually spend time with a foster child and raise them, then he should quit his doctor job and actually have time for that,” agreed notthefortunate1.
“Nobody should foster a child if their whole heart isn’t in it, and this is definitely a situation that requires two enthusiastic yes votes,” wrote alv269.
While FewOwls571 commented: “Absolutely do not do this if you do not want to.
“I lived in foster homes, group homes, and institutional places, and hands down, without a doubt, the worst of those was in foster homes where the foster kids weren’t wanted.”
Newsweek reached out to u/mdfi19 for comment. We could not verify the details of the case.
