After I sold my publishing business in 2018 and retrained as a coach, I started to really look at myself; who I was; what my values were and what I wanted. I looked at my patterns of behavior and the patterns I repeated in relationships and I began to notice how much sex was a driver for me.
I also realized that I had been in an on-and-off toxic relationship for five years. There was a lot of love there, but it was very sexually driven and there were so many dips and troughs; it wasn’t an even, consistent relationship. The only element that was consistent was the great sex.
At the time, I was in my mid-40s and through that process of looking at my values more deeply, I realized that the relationship wasn’t right. After a painful extraction from that situation, I realized I needed to recover. What I had previously done was jump from relationship to relationship, in a quest to get over the last one. But I was so hurt by the end of this relationship—it had taken the life out of me— that I wanted to take time to feel whole again.
However, shortly after that bad experience, in November 2018, I found myself reigniting an old relationship. It was someone I had always been in touch with and we’d had a great relationship in the past. We actually went away to a lovely hotel, but I really didn’t want to have sex; I just wasn’t ready.
I remember having sex with him and thinking that I really didn’t want it to be happening. That was a really low point for me. The sex was consensual and he was lovely—I had had sex with him many times before—I just wasn’t healed from my last relationship, so it felt wrong. After that, I realized I really wasn’t interested in moving on, having sex with someone else or starting a new relationship. I needed “me” back.
I also wanted to focus on my business, because I knew that would take a lot of energy. Sex and relationships also take up a lot of energy. And, I’m a single parent so that energy is already divided.
I realized that sexual energy had been such a powerful force in my life, possibly leading me, in some ways. I decided I was going to claim that energy back and from that point in November 2018, I decided to be consciously celibate and single. I didn’t just want to do it for a couple of months, I wanted to take time to focus and gather myself back up. It felt liberating. I felt free and I wasn’t hankering after anything, or anyone.
What’s happened in the almost three years since has been amazing. I’ve been able to live by my values, my thinking has been clearer and I have been able to reflect on past relationships and what went wrong. Giving up sex enabled me to unravel and heal.
I haven’t dated at all since. Because I only want a full relationship and I’m quite serious about what I want. Before, I was probably being led by what my partner wanted. Did they want a serious relationship? Yes? Well, then maybe I did as well. Even as a strong, confident woman, that can happen. Now, I am very clear about what I want.
People who know me aren’t surprised I have made a big life decision like this, though I think they were surprised about the nature of the decision, because I’ve always been in relationships and been quite a physical person. But there have been no big reactions. My mom will just ask me, now and then, when I’m going to get with someone!
I do go onto dating apps now and again, but I have not dated anyone via apps. I’m very clear that I want someone who is ready for a full relationship. If I see one red flag, I’m off. That doesn’t make me high maintenance, it makes me aware of whether someone is ready or not. If I see someone on a dating app who is separated or “wants to see how it goes” I will not match with them. I’ve also had chats on dating apps where very young men in their 20s have offered me “hot sex.” I say “no, thank you.”
But not having sex with another person doesn’t mean I’m not still a sexual being. People can still have a sexual relationship with themselves, you don’t have to have a partner involved.
I would almost call myself a “born again virgin” now; I am choosing who I give my sexual energy to. But I wouldn’t be happy never having sex again and I believe I will have a relationship in the future. It’s not like I’ve gone off sex. I can’t wait to have sex again. It will be amazing!
The heart of it for me is realizing that as a woman, my sexual energy has a lot of power and I was just giving it away. I wanted it back so I could start again and when I met someone new, it would be about the connection with the person and I would be asking the right questions: Are we right together? Is there a good foundation that we can build from?
I think it’s important for people to be aware that I am all for free choice. I love sex and I advocate for sex, but I feel it can be misused and that it can be very disempoweing when women are having sex as an obligation when they don’t want to, or because they feel it’s “part of the deal.” Or, when they’re not talking about their needs and what they want from sex, or what feels good.
Of course, if women are truly empowered, if they know exactly what they are doing, their boundaries are solid, they feel good and the people and the relationships aren’t making them feel bad, then all power to them. That’s amazing. Have sex all day long, with whoever you want, good for you! I’m definitely not preaching and I am not a judge and jury for anyone.
Three years might sound like a long while, but relatively, it’s not. Change doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time. Now, I feel like everything in my life is on the brink of changing. I think the future is exciting because I know that I’m ready to meet somebody who is in the same space as me. So many people wonder why they end up in the same relationship, but perhaps that’s because they haven’t put the work into changing themselves? I had partners who were complex and not ready, and I thought that love would fix everything. I also thought that sex was love and love was sex. I couldn’t understand why I was having great sex but the relationship wasn’t working.
Now I know I will be able to have a better relationship and that’s exciting. In our late 40s we’re not going to have a crystal clear record. That’s not unfortunate, it’s life. I will probably now attract the kind of man that, in the past, I didn’t think I would be with. My future partner will have been on a journey, or is on a journey right now, and I believe it will happen at the right time.
At the same time, I haven’t got anything hinged on it. I don’t feel that I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t happen. I will live my life, raise my daughter and travel and I’m happy with all of that. There is real freedom in knowing that you can live your life by yourself. I think some women don’t leave relationships because they don’t believe that they can live by themselves. I’m never lonely.
My life is not perfect and I’m not perfect. But I’m much stronger emotionally, and I’m not just giving my sexual power away because someone else wants it. That’s really important. That’s empowerment.
Teresa Brooks is a U.K.-based businesswoman, business coach, NLP practitioner, sales strategist and founder of COACH magazine and podcast. You can find out more about her at teresabrookscoaching.com or follow her on Instagram @coachteresabrooks.
All views expressed in this article are the author’s own.
As told to Jenny Haward.
