Here’s a story that seems almost archaic. When I was very young, about 9 I think, my father and I stopped at an ice-cream stand. The woman at the counter was quite snippy, and my father, although clearly stunned by her rudeness, was gracious and polite in return. When we walked away, I asked him how he could be so nice after she had been so unpleasant. “You never know what someone is going through,” he answered. “Maybe she just got terrible news. Maybe she isn’t well. You just never know about another person’s life.” He was able to keep from reacting because he didn’t take her unpleasantness personally. It strikes me that part of the reason rudeness is so rampant now is because we all take everything so personally.
I won’t go into all 17 incidents here, but I have noticed that the locations below seem to be hotbeds of incivility.
Markets: Watch Out for the Hired Help
Can we please get some of those cheerful people from TV commercials, who seem positively delighted to be ringing up groceries, and put them in real markets to ring up real groceries? In one brief stop to a major supermarket, I encountered two bona fide acts of rude behavior. First, I asked a store clerk if they stocked Crest White Strips, the new tooth-bleaching product. Advertisements claim it is now available in drug stores and markets. He looked at me as if I had asked for caramel-covered cockroaches.
“I don’t know anything about that,” he snapped. “Why don’t you call Crest?”
“Call Crest?” I repeated, taken aback but also wondering what city I should call to reach Crest.
Figuring my teeth could wait a bit longer to be bleached, I moved on to the deli counter for a container of tuna salad. I was the only one waiting, and the only store employee working in the deli section was chatting amiably with the store manager at the far end of the counter. I waited, thinking he would notice me. After several minutes, I took a few steps toward him. He then grudgingly glanced at me and said, “I’ll be with you in a few minutes.” He resumed his conversation and after several minutes had passed, I gave up on the tuna as well. Aren’t customers supposed to come first? Or is that idea dead as well? I don’t think employees in a commercial would act this way.
Banks: Watch Out for the Customers
Banks are excellent places in which to conduct sociological studies. I’ve noticed that the customers are usually the rude ones. Maybe tellers are required to take a course in customer relations, because they seem to hold their tempers quite well.
At the bank, I witnessed a man trying to cash what I assume was a savings bond of some kind. (I was doing my best to eavesdrop, but people kept talking around me.) There was some problem, and the teller couldn’t cash it. The man began pounding his fist on the counter, blaming her and calling her names. “Well, you’re just going to have to go call the government,” he finally said, which strikes me as being a bit like calling Crest. When you call 411, exactly what listing do you ask for?
The Road: Watch Out for Everyone
We’re definitely not living in a 1950s sitcom anymore. Forget those friendly drivers with time on their hands. Road rage is not only a much-used phrase, it’s a daily reality. Roughly nine of my 17 documented rude acts occurred on the road, including tailgating, screeching to cut in so that I almost got whiplash while trying to avoid a crash, and thrusting eager middle fingers out of windows. This brings me to my own act of rudeness. A guy in a brand new BMW was tailgating me so closely that I really expected him to smash into me. I waved him back with my arm–a polite gesture, I thought, given the circumstances–and he flipped me off. Moments later, when he almost sheared off the side of my car as he passed me, I quickly put down my window to stick my arm out again–this time to give him the finger. I did, sort of: the window wasn’t down completely, and I ended up bruising the side of my hand. Nevertheless, even though he deserved it, it was rude.
Parking Lots: Road Rage Gone Overtime
Parking lots are an extension of the road, with all of its rage and intolerance. A friend told me, on the very day I was conducting my research, that a man in the lot near my friend’s business got impatient with another driver for not vacating a parking space quickly enough. The man got out of his car, went over to the slow person’s car, and punched the guy in the face. The cops were called and it turned into a big drama–which began, I must point out, with a terribly rude gesture.
Restaurants: Maybe It’s Better To Eat In
One could write a whole book on restaurant etiquette. For now, let’s stick with the Cliff Notes version. There are the grumpy, demanding patrons who are never satisfied and don’t comprehend the concept of tips and the overworked stressed-out waiters and waitresses, who, in many cases, don’t want to be there. It’s an incendiary mixture and fertile breeding ground for all sorts of rude exchanges. I saw one customer send back three different entrees because she didn’t like the taste of any of them. For goodness sake, learn to cook and stay in your own kitchen.
The point of my research is this: We have become so accustomed to rudeness that we actually expect it; we enter into situations anticipating the worst, and that’s usually what we get. What if we trained ourselves to expect civility? We would start our days feeling more civil ourselves, more forgiving-and we would take fewer things personally. Then, maybe, if someone is rude to us and is confronted by our surprise at their behavior, they might pause and rethink their words or actions. They might feel like aliens, misfits, they might apologize profusely. Or, we could all just stay home.
